


Shelter

by KitCat_Italica



Series: What Makes a Marriage 'Verse [1]
Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Family Feels, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, King Loki (Marvel), King Thor (Marvel), Loki and Thor Are Not Related, M/M, Past Child Abuse, parenting, these two are so precious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-15 22:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17537093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitCat_Italica/pseuds/KitCat_Italica
Summary: Loki should probably be over this by now.  Life fell into a rhythm, even as a king and a parent.  And this rhythm was evencomfortable.Yet here he was, a King of Asgard, having days where he felt ready to burst out of his own skull with anxiety.





	Shelter

**Author's Note:**

> I had an anxiety attack today, and it was partly caused because I saw some dark scary Thorki fics this afternoon that made my stomach drop when I tried to read them. So I therapized myself by writing this. ~~and then I cried because I don't have a Thor to my Loki so I have to go through life's difficulties alone~~
> 
> This is *technically* in the What Makes a Marriage universe? But it works as its own standalone!
> 
> (Also if you're wondering where the next chapter of WMAM is after nearly six months of hiatus...I have no answer for you, except that I'm sorry it's taking so long ._. )

Loki was fourteen hundred years old now. This meant he’d had almost four centuries of peace and happiness. Yes, his first thousand years had been Hel, but they were over. Slowly and steadily, Loki was gaining on that record. One day he would have more happy years to his name than terrible ones.

But that day wasn’t here yet. Still, he should probably be over this by now. Life fell into a rhythm, even as a king and a parent. And this rhythm was even _comfortable._

__

__

Yet here he was, a King of Asgard, having days where he felt ready to burst out of his own skull with anxiety.

He and Thor had a meeting with their council in the morning. That’s when it started. Loki’s skin prickled. His hackles raised. His eyes darted around the room. Each word anyone said left his mind as soon as they’d uttered them. He kept having to snap himself back into focus.

Thor noticed. Norns above, of _course_ he noticed. He was always so attuned to Loki’s state of being, and Loki tried to do the same for him. They would constantly give one another sidelong glances and furtive hand-squeezes to see how the other was faring. ‘Checking,’ as their friends called it. 

But Loki wasn’t in the headspace for that. Maybe his lack of checking on Thor was what tipped his husband off more than anything else. But his hand on Loki’s forearm under the table yanked Loki's awareness back into the room.

Thor didn’t say anything, as their councilors were still debating something. He just raised his eyebrows, in a silent _Are you alright?_

__

__

Loki gave a tight smile in response, and squeezed Thor’s hand. _Fine,_ he tried to say.

He still felt Thor’s gaze linger on him. Clearly he was not convinced. But he let Loki be, and returned his attention to their council. Still, his hand remained in Loki’s, his thumb rubbing a slow rhythm over Loki’s knuckles. Loki clung to the grounding sensation the rest of the morning.

xxx

Thor was meeting with the city building inspectors that afternoon. Loki had an hour free before he was to preside over their court. So, as he and Thor always did with their spare time, he went to spend it with their children.

Their eldest, Vali, was progressing well in his studies. He started telling Loki all about the latest battle of the Aesir-Vanir War he had read about. Loki listened carefully to all he said, asking questions where he could. He was always a bit self-conscious in moments like this. His own father hadn’t provided him a formal education of a prince, so he hadn’t learned much of the Nine Realms' history beyond that of ‘Jotunheim’s glory days.’ He’d absorbed as much as he could in Asgard’s library since marrying Thor, but he still ran across gaps in his knowledge.

Vali eventually grabbed the book he’d been working through with his history tutor. Hela, the middle sibling, tried reading over his shoulder, resulting in an argument over whose turn it was with the book. The youngest, Fenrir, kept toddling around the room, shouting battle cries and gibberish at imaginary foes.

Loki tried to break up the older two’s argument, while simultaneously keeping an eye on Fenrir in case he toppled over. His brain soon started buzzing, like there was some fog he couldn’t think through.

_Be there for them,_ his mind kept screaming at him. _Do you want them to grow up the way you did, raised by a cold, uncaring parent?_

__

__

Hela wasn’t listening to him. She started shoving Vali, who yelled for his mother to help him. Loki’s chest grew hot, his throat as tight as if a noose was wrapped around it. _You’re failing them, you’re failing, why are you such a FAILURE—_

__

__

That was when Frigga made her entrance. She asked Vali and Hela to help her with something in the gardens, leaving Loki in charge of only Fenrir. He was easily the wildest of his siblings, but manageable on his own. 

As Frigga took her grandson and granddaughter by the hands, she gave Loki one last look. “You look a bit peaky, my dear,” she murmured to him. “Perhaps a walk would do you good?”

Loki just nodded. She kissed his cheek, and left with Vali and Hela.

Loki looked down to Fenrir, who was chewing on one fist, while he held onto his mother’s leg with the other. “What do you say, my darling, shall we go for a walk?”

Fenrir roared his support of the idea. The sound managed to bring out Loki’s smile for the first time that day.

xxx

An hour later, Loki had to pass Fenrir off to Volstagg while he sat the throne. Usually he and Thor allowed their children to play by their feet while they presided over their court, but Loki didn’t feel he could handle both at once today.

It turned out he could hardly handle court on its own. Each petitioner’s words floated through one ear and out the other. He took too long to reply to their requests. He missed his councilors’ whispered advice several times.

Each time, he managed to save himself and dispense justice as best he could. He had his usual affirming mantras to fall back on. _You sit on the throne of Hlidskjalf. Only Asgard’s kings may do so. You wield Gungnir, a king’s weapon. You’re overreacting. Your people love you. You’re doing fine._

__

__

Except he wasn’t. His subjects kept looking at him. _Of course they’re looking at you, you’re their king, sitting on a fucking throne raised up on a dais._ They were probably judging him even as they smiled. A Jotun runt as their king. What a joke!

_They’re thinking nothing of the sort,_ he tried telling himself. _They love you. They cried out your name along with Thor’s when you both were crowned. They stood with you all those years ago, just as they do now._

__

__

_You are a king. The husband of a king. The mother of a future king. You are one of them._

__

__

Some days, those thoughts were enough to silence the doubts in his head when he sat the throne by himself. Today wasn’t one of those days. 

xxx

By the time he sat down to dinner with Thor and their children, he’d lost all trace of an appetite. Each brush of his clothes against his skin was too much sensation for him to handle. His breath was more audible than usual. He kept cataloguing the exits.

Each time he caught himself doing _that_ , he forced his mind back to his food. He was only mildly successful.

_“Mama!”_ He snapped his head to Hela’s petulant pout. “You didn’t listen to my story!”

“Don’t be rude to your mother,” Thor sharply scolded her. “Ask _nicely_.”

Loki was about to head him off and apologize to Hela for not listening. But Thor gently touched his arm under the table to stop him. His glance to Loki out his eye corners clearly said _No, let her learn from this._

__

__

Thor was probably right. He usually was, when it came to a struggle between his judgment and Loki’s guilt. So, Loki let Hela mumble out, “Mama, can you please listen to my story?”

Loki mustered a weak attempt at a smile. “Of course, dear.”

The rest of the dinner was just as difficult for Loki. He could hardly catch his breath between the static in his head. He tried to be there with his family. He might have fooled his children, but his husband was another matter. 

But Thor didn’t comment on it at the table. He just kept holding Loki’s hand, squeezing it every so often to reassure him. It helped snap Loki out of his thoughts each time he nearly drowned in them.

After dinner, they led the children to their chambers. They reminded Vali to not stay up too late reading before he scampered off. They reminded Hela to wash her face as she sullenly accepted their goodnight kisses. 

Once they’d left, Thor whispered in Loki’s ear, “I can give Fenrir his bath, if you want to head up early.”

Loki nearly burst into tears. He didn’t want to neglect his son, but he didn’t feel he could handle the hazards of preventing Fenrir from drowning tonight. So he just nodded.

Thor kissed his cheek, before scooping up Fenrir. “Alright, my little one, who wants to be King of the Bath tonight?”

Fenrir gave a loud “YAAAAHHHH!” in agreement. Loki and Thor had learned that framing bathtime as an adventure for Fenrir made him much more likely to agree. The boy never did anything by half-measures. If he liked something, he yelled with delight; if he disliked something, he screamed in fury—usually at the adult caring for him.

Thor chuckled at Fenrir’s enthusiasm, and carried him to his nursery, leaving Loki free to return to their chambers.

xxx

The moment he shut himself inside, he magicked his royal armor into silken sleepwear. He and Thor didn’t usually wear their pajamas to bed (at least, not for long). But at least Loki could breathe in them.

He soon realized that, in allowing him time to retire early tonight, Thor had inadvertently given his anxiety the perfect playground: _free time._

__

__

He tried reading three different books, but ended up scanning the same sentence over and over without absorbing any of it. He started practicing his illusory spells, but he kept finding fault with each one. _Too stiff, you can tell it’s fake; too wobbly, the image won’t hold; that light’s too bright; that face is lopsided…_ He ended up waving them all away in frustration.

He was sitting on their bed, unwinding a thread from his tunic sleeve, when he heard Thor ease open the door of their bedchamber. He quickly fixed his sleeve with his magic. “Did Fenrir go to sleep?”

“He’s out like a light.” Thor was coming closer, and Loki’s heart rate accelerated with each step. “I didn’t see a light under Vali’s door, so I think he’s asleep, too.”

“Mm.”

One of Thor’s hands settled on Loki’s shoulder. He was always so _gentle_ when he touched Loki. Loki leaned back half an inch before he even knew he was doing it.

“What’s wrong, my love?”

Loki’s eyes closed. He should’ve seen the question coming. Still, he shook his head. “Nothing.”

_“Loki.”_

__

__

His name wasn’t said as a reprimand, but a soft _please. Please let me into your world._

__

__

But Loki didn’t want to. He didn’t even want to be in his own world today. And yet every deflection or excuse he could come up with died on his tongue. 

What even _was_ wrong?

He had to think about that. When he did, he was surprised to feel tears in his eyes. “Nothing. That’s the problem. Nothing’s wrong. There’s _no reason_ I should feel like this.”

Thor sat beside him on the bed. His one hand stayed anchored on Loki’s shoulder; the other hand settled on the side of his neck. Such a tender touch. “Feel like what?”

Loki could feel Thor’s eyes searching for his. Loki had run out of reasons why he should hide from them, so he looked at Thor. (Norns, his husband was so beautiful.)

Once he untied his tongue from staring at Thor’s gorgeous face, he shrugged. “Anxious.”

Something shifted in Thor’s eyes then. It looked like sorrow. “Oh, Loki,” he murmured. “You know there’s a perfectly good reason.”

“Thor—”

“You were raised in a home of terror and shame, parented with either neglect or violence—”

_“And when does that stop being the excuse?”_

__

__

Thor flinched back from the sudden outburst. Fear grabbed Loki’s stomach when he saw the recoiling. _No no no, don’t leave, I’m sorry!_

__

__

“I’m sorry,” he babbled, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t—I’ll stop, I shouldn’t have, I’ll—”

He was shocked into silence when Thor’s hands tucked his raven hair out of his face. He was still so _gentle._

__

__

“It’s alright,” Thor soothed. “I’m not upset with you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Loki burst into tears.

And Thor—dear, sweet, wonderful Thor—didn’t roll his eyes and leave in exasperation. He hugged Loki close to him, giving him the time he needed to release the crest of the emotion.

But Loki shut it off quickly, willing his tears back in. “I just”—he hiccupped—“I just don’t think that’s a valid reason anymore. Yes, I was abused as a child. But that all ended over three centuries ago. I’m _happy_ now.” (Sure, he was near-sobbing as he said that, but plenty of people cried when they were happy, right?) “Shouldn’t I be over it by this point?”

Thor didn’t reply for a while. Something in his silence unsettled Loki. _He agrees,_ his unhelpful brain supplied. _He thinks you should be over it, he’s tired of picking up after your feelings, he thinks you’re too much to handle—_

__

__

“I don’t know if this is something people just ‘get over’,” Thor said.

Loki lifted his head from Thor’s shoulder. Thor let him disentangle from the embrace, but he still held onto Loki’s arms. “What do you mean?”

Thor shrugged. “Childhood determines how you see the world, and your place in it. Wounds from that age run deep.”

Loki sobbed again. He wiped some tearstains away on one sleeve. “So you’re saying I’ll be broken for the rest of my life?”

“You’re not broken.” Thor was more firm when he said that. “And like you said, you live a happy life now. But some days might be harder than others. Like today.”

Loki closed his eyes and let out a long sigh. This curse would truly follow him to the grave, if even the ever-hopeful Thor thought so.

“Hey,” Thor said. Loki looked at him. “But on those hard days, you know you can always come to me. And I can help you, however you need me to.”

Oh, Thor. Darling, gentle, kind Thor. He was a far better husband than Loki could ever deserve. Especially when he did the one thing that made Loki melt every time: he stroked Loki’s face with the back of his knuckles. Loki could never stop his quiet gasp when he did that.

“So how can I help you now?” Thor asked.

The answer sprang to Loki’s mind readily enough. It took him some time to get over the hurdles of _Don’t deserve this_ and _It’s too much,_ but eventually he managed, “Can you hold me in your lap?”

Thor smiled. He’d probably seen that answer coming. “Of course I can.”

xxx

Each of Loki’s children had different temperaments. Vali was dutiful and industrious. Hela was moody and inquisitive. Fenrir was wild and fierce. But each of them had, at some point in their young lives, cried so hard they couldn’t console themselves.

Frigga had told him and Thor that babies weren’t born understanding themselves as people. They had to be taught that from their caregivers, and part of that process was teaching them how to soothe themselves. Even when it took hours to help their babies find calm again, Loki considered it a sacred duty to hold his children close when they wept. It was so deeply satisfying to feel them go slack in his arms when they quieted, nuzzling into his chest and breathing evenly once more.

Loki sometimes wondered if he’d ever had that as an infant. Frigga had said that he would have died otherwise, or at least been intellectually stunted. Perhaps a wet nurse on Jotunheim had let him snuggle against her between feedings, filling his world with soft words and sweet caresses.

He had no memory of such a person, of course. All his memories of Jotunheim were of pain and isolation. Three meals a day and a small bedchamber were all the kindnesses Laufey afforded the runt who’d killed his wife in childbirth. Loki had never received a loving word, a soft embrace, not even a pat on the head. Once he became comfortable enough around Thor to accept small touches from him, he quickly became addicted. He was _starved_ for physical affection.

Sometimes it didn’t seem fair, to have Thor cater to his infantile needs for comfort. Thor was his husband, not his parent. He deserved someone who could care for him, too.

That was the thought that snapped Loki out of his current spiral of self-loathing. He _did_ care for Thor. He listened to his fears and worries, helped keep him from beating himself up. He split the responsibilities of kingship and parenthood equally with Thor, so neither one was saddled with too much. He gave Thor a sanctuary he didn’t have with others, just as Thor did for him.

And sometimes, part of Loki’s sanctuary involved sitting in his husband’s lap and being held. Fortunately for him, not only was Thor obliging, he was an _incredible_ cuddler.

It didn’t work the same way as a child in a parent’s lap, as Loki was just as tall as Thor. His legs had to be folded close to him if he was to fit between Thor’s. His head wasn’t tucked into Thor’s chest, but rather into his neck.

But Thor’s arms wrapped around him like he was made to be here. His lips found Loki’s hair every so often, and each soft kiss made Loki melt even further. 

Loki lost track of time. Moment by moment, his burdens lifted. Soon, all he knew was the shelter of Thor’s embrace, lulled by the slow rhythm of his husband’s breathing.

One of Thor’s arms shifted, so he could smooth some of Loki’s hair out of his face. Loki sighed at the caress.

“Do you feel better?” Thor whispered.

As if he needed to ask. Still, Loki mustered a sleepy nod. He was probably doing a stellar impression of a young child right now.

Thor must have thought so too, as it must have reminded him of what he said next. “Oh, before I forget: Fenrir wanted me to give you this.” He took one of Loki’s hands and pressed a kiss to his fingers. It was one of the ways they exchanged affection with their children. Loki smiled. For all Fenrir’s wildness, he could be so sweet sometimes.

Though it took him a great effort, Loki slid his eyes open and raised his head. “Is Fenrir the only one?” 

Thor grinned. “No. This is from Hela.” Another kiss to his fingers. “And this is from Vali.” Another kiss. 

Then he tilted Loki’s jaw to him, his eyes shining with love. “And this is from me.”

His last kiss was on Loki’s lips, and it lasted much, much longer than the others. Loki met it with just as much tenderness.

Thor let him return to his shoulder afterward. Loki curled up close, swaddled in Thor’s love, and fell asleep to the lullaby of his husband’s heartbeat.

Maybe he would always have days filled with unprovoked anxiety. But if he could end each of those days like this one, maybe they couldn’t be counted as bad days after all.


End file.
